The Lacquer Palace
The
Pandavas had been invited to stay in The Lac Palace, but expecting an evil
plot, Vidura, half-brother of Pandu, father of the Pandavas, warned Prince Yudhishthira
of what was to come.
"I fear you are in great danger," he said. "Make sure to move with caution as you proceed."
Prince Yudhishthira thanked Vidura and went on his way, worried about what was to come.
"I fear you are in great danger," he said. "Make sure to move with caution as you proceed."
Prince Yudhishthira thanked Vidura and went on his way, worried about what was to come.
When the
Pandavas and Queen Kunti reached the palace, they marveled at the beauty of
it, but Prince Yudhishthira saw that all the great tapestries and beautiful
ornate rugs and furniture with wondrous scrollwork were all soaked heavily in
something thick and black which reeked of strong alcohol and oil and thus he grew fearful. He warned his brothers and mother, Queen Kunti
of what was happening around them and they too feared for their lives but no one knew how to escape for the palace was being watched and guarded.
Now Prince
Vidura still worried about the Pandavas and he had sent a worker of his to infiltrate
the stores of oil and alcohol which were to have been used to soak the furniture and walls
of the palace and to replace them with a watery tar that could easily be mistaken
for oil but would neutralize the flammable liquids already in place. But the worker had made a mistake and instead of replacing the oil and alcohol with tar, he replaced it with a strong brown liquor that was foul to smell. The
barrels of liquor had been a gift from a country far away called Ireland but
all those who tried it had deemed it unpleasant to taste and instead many
people had begun to use it for fuel for it burned quite well. It was also used as glue as it became thick like molasses if left to sit in the sun and it was completely inedible to all human beings except for those who made it.
When the
worker returned to Vidura and saw that the barrels of tar with which he was to
replace the oil and alcohol were still there, he panicked and realized what he had just
done. Vidura, immediately scolded the worker and sent him to save the Pandavas
in another way. The worker dressed up as a woman and tried to seduce the leader of the guards, Purochana and his men who were watching the palace and waiting for a chance to burn it
down, but he could not sway them and thus he was forced to try to come up with
other methods in order to save the Pandavas. He
was unable to come up with a bribe large enough to sway them as well and thus he
grew desperate. He finally started digging and digging and digging, trying
desperately to dig a tunnel into the palace. But he did not know where he was
going when he was underground and he dug for many days, praying that the
palace would not burn before he got there, but through a stroke of luck, he managed
to reach the palace and accidentally knock free a group of tiles in the center
of the palace where Prince Yudhishthira was sitting.
That very
night, the Pandavas snuck out through the tunnel that the worker had built and
they went safely into the forest. As they fled, the palace was lit ablaze by the guards that had been watching it and
it burned to the ground taking with it a beggar woman and her children who had slept there for the night. The air reeked of molasses as the thick tar-like alcohol burned the building down. When
the fires ceased and the bodies were found, it was assumed that these were the
bodies of the Pandavas and they were able to slip safely into the forests where they would stay for some time.
Author's note: I think I've done an okay job of making this piece more comic. I just decided to leave the comedy light in this one. The main change obviously is that the worker becomes the main protagonist of the story and through his blundering failures, only barely manages to accidentally save the Pandavas and Queen Kunti. I wanted to take on this story from a less historical-style point and also add some humor to it. Though it isn't an extremely comical piece still, it still has some comic elements which I think are the highlight of it. When I went back to edit this, I didn't end up making a ton of changes and I'm still not happy with this one. Well I just don't think I'm ever going to be particularly happy with this one. I could never really decide where to take it so I left the strange disconnected form as it is. It's not great but I just want to be done with it to move on to other pieces now.
Bibliography: Public Domain Mahabharata, link
(Draupadi s presented to a pachisi game, link)
Another well-written story, Jeff. The details in your stories make them really stand out from others I read, like when you described the tapestries with perfect adjectives, I could actually see them. Although you mentioned that your story only had small comic elements, I noticed those and I like what they added to your story. For example, the mishap with the black liquor instead of tar.
ReplyDeleteThere was great flow to this story. I liked how the perspective of the worker was used to tell the story. Although he had great struggle to save the Pandavas, he managed. This ending was very sweet and easing to hear. For most of the reading however, I believed otherwise. I also like how strict the Padavas were, this added to relationship to the original story.
ReplyDeleteI loved that the story was so easy to read. It was nice to see a different perspective of the story as well. I found that your descriptions were amazing. It made it incredibly easy for me to be able to imagine exactly what was going on. It was like a movie was playing through my head! Great job on the story, and I cannot wait to read more of your stories in the future.
ReplyDeleteYour story was really interesting and easy to read. I could actually imagine it in my head, as I was reading it. I like how you had them change the oil but it actually turned into something something, that would burn worse than oil and actually faster too. I look forward to reading more of your stories in the future.
ReplyDeleteI really like that you changed the focus from the Queen and the Pandavas to the worker that helped them escape from a fiery death! It was a great way to retell the story! I was cracking up about the part where you mention the black liquor from Ireland that most people deemed unpleasant. There is so much detail in the beginning of the story and so little in the end that I wonder if you could maybe add just a little more detail to the last paragraph. Overall, this is a great story and I really enjoyed reading it!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a fun story! I like how you took something that was initially presented as serious and amoral and transformed it into a huge comedy of errors. The poor worker can never seem to catch a break! Some of the parts I enjoyed were the small reference to Ireland and the worker's various schemes. I wonder what made him think that crossdressing was a good option at the time?
ReplyDeleteI know that like you said in your author's note, you left the story largely in tact, but in shifting the main character, I think you achieved your goals of humor. However, I also think that perhaps putting yourself (or the narrator) in someone else's shoes is also a good way to incorporate more of their perspective. Does the worker just follow orders or does he have anything to say about the fact that the place is a death trap? How come he went through so many different schemes instead of saying outright that they were in danger. Were there consequences associated if he did that?
I really appreciate how you decided to keep most of the original story while still adding a fun twist to it. That is also how I like to write my stories. I try to focus on one aspect of it and expand on it by either providing a backstory or creating a whole new story centered on it. I really liked how you added several funny components to the story. My favorite was when the worker dressed up as a woman to try and seduce the enemies. I just noticed some punctuation and grammar mistakes. “When the Pandavas and Queen Kunti, reached the palace,…” I don’t think you need the comma after the word Kunti. “He could not get passed the guards”, replace passed with pass. When you start describing about how the worker tried desperately digging, try using some different words that also mean digging in order to avoid repetition. For example, you could use bore or excavate. Just a couple of suggestions. Overall, I liked your version of the story and I’m excited to see what else you have in store.
ReplyDeleteI thought this piece was well written but I would have liked to see some more creativity. I see in your author’s note that you plan to revise with a bit more comical effect and I look forward to reading that revision. I would also like to have seen some more detail into what caused the worker to mistake the of using the alcohol instead of the tar. That seems to be a big mistake that was overlooked. I did like the similarities to the original story in the part where the Pandavas escaped through the tunnel and bodies were found that were thought to be the Pandavas. Overall this was a very well written story and I did not find any grammatical errors. I found it to be quite similar to the original in concept, which I liked. I enjoyed reading this version but I also look forward to reading your revised version!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your author's note I caught on to how you changed who the story focused on. I like that you had the focus on a smaller character, one that would barely be mentioned if at all. I also enjoy writing my stories from the perspective of the least mentioned character. Don’t be too hard on yourself about this piece! It’s hard to turn such an intense story into one of comedy and with what you had to work with; I think you did a good job! I think adding the worker’s thoughts when he continually messed up would make the story a little more personal and would bring out the comedic aspect even more. This story reminds me of an old time cartoon like Tom and Jerry where bad things and bad mistakes just kept happening one after the other. I enjoyed this story and I like how you are tying your portfolio stories together with humor.
ReplyDeleteI Jeff, this is the first story I've read in your portfolio. Most of the Indian epic stories are pretty grim and do not have such happy endings so it is nice to see you trying to add some comedic relief to them.
ReplyDeleteYou have a nicely written story here. Adding some dialogue between the worker and prince Vidura might add to what you are trying to accomplish with the comedic relief here. Reading how prince Vidura reacts to the workers stupid mistake could be pretty funny. The ironic part is that prince Vidura sends the same worker back to try and fix his mistake. What would have been smart is to send someone else or send someone else with the worker.
Then you could even have a dialogue between the two workers. I imagine the two would be arguing on how best to handle their situation at hand. Then when they bust through the ground into the castle and interrupt Yudhishthira, he could have knock him over causing him so spill food or such on poor queen Kunti is just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
There are a couple of directions you take to make it a little more comical!
I think we are all often too hard on ourselves about our stories!! I really like this story. I think you were able to combine action, suspense, and comedy very well. I did notice two run-on sentence and a few places where you could use some commas, but other than that it looked fantastic!!
ReplyDeleteFirst let's start with this sentence...
"He warned his brothers and mother, Queen Kunti of what was happening around them and they too feared for their lives but no one knew how to escape for the palace was being watched and guarded."
This can actually be split into three sentences!!
"He warned his brothers and mother, Queen Kunti, of what was happening around them. They, too, feared for their lives but no one knew how to escape. The palace was being watched and guarded."
This next sentence was super long!
"Now Prince Vidura still worried about the Pandavas and he had sent a worker of his to infiltrate the stores of oil and alcohol which were to have been used to soak the furniture and walls of the palace and to replace them with a watery tar that could easily be mistaken for oil but would neutralize the flammable liquids already in place."
Let's break it up...
" Now, Prince Vidura still worried about the Pandavas. He had sent a worker of his to infiltrate the stores of oil and alcohol. These were to be used to soak the furniture and walls of the palace and to replace them with a watery tar that could easily be mistaken for oil but would neutralize the flammable liquids already in place."
I really loved your story and don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I understand though, I get the same way with my work!!